The Mother I Knew

As I think of my mother,

I don't know what to do.

I thought I knew you.

I thought I knew the woman who birthed me.

But who is she?

The mother I knew was loving and caring.

She would hold you while you slept.

She was always there for me,

anytime I needed.

I never had to feel lonely.

I didn't have to pretend to be good.

She would sit and hear my stories,

listening to me all through the night.

She would tell me,

"You'll be alright."

We didn't have to fight.

I had her attention

whenever I needed it.

I never had to cry,

beg, or plead.

She was there to tuck me in.

The smell of her skin surrounds me.

The mother I knew

wouldn't judge me.

The mother I knew

wouldn't hurt me.

She would see me.

She would adore me.

I thought that was the woman I knew.

I didn't realize...

That woman isn't you.

I didn't realize

it was you who birthed me.

I didn't realize

it was you who hurt me.

Mother...

Do you hear me screaming?

I've been crying for you.

I'm so lost now.

I don't know what to do.

What do I do

about your search for fame?

What do you do

when life feels like a game?

I thought you loved me.

I thought I knew you.

But now I feel

like I can't even talk to you.

What good is talking

when you don't listen?

What good is explaining

when everything becomes something untrue?

You told me to listen.

I try.

I try, and I try

until my ears bleed with lies.

I thought everything you said was true.

I thought I knew you.

I thought I knew

who my mother would be.

I thought she would be

someone I could strive to be.

But one day...

it hit me.

One day...

I woke up.

I woke up

and I saw that you're just like me.

I saw who I could become

if I didn't stand up for me.

I saw the path I was on

and told myself,

"This can't be."

I must take care of me.

They say

you become who you're around most.

Well, Mother...

if that's true,

I'm sorry.

I must go.

I love you.

That is true,

and I always will.

But today...

I must take care of my girls.

They deserve so much more.

I owe it to them.

It's time

I become the mother I knew.

The mother I knew

may not be you.

Yes...

that may be true.

But that mother is out there.

She is in me.

She is in me.

Yes...

I know.

Just like you,

she's buried deep inside.

I know that

because I've seen her

peek out from time to time.

The mother I knew...

is still in you.

If only you knew.

If only

you could see past your pain,

then maybe you could see

why there is a strain.

It's in our pain

that we forget who we are.

It's in our pain

that we tend to go too far.

I know

it wasn't intentional.

But it still hurts.

I know

you can't see it.

But it still burns.

I cried,

begged,

and pleaded

for you to see.

But now...

I've got to let it be.

I see now

it doesn't matter

how loud I cry.

It will never be enough

for you to see my side.

You have your perspective.

That, I see.

It truly is

your very own reality.

I get it now.

I see.

It's just your pain

blocking me.

I see it now.

It's oh so clear.

But it doesn't change

anything, I fear.

You see...

I need to become

that mother I knew.

And I just can't do that

while I'm tied to you.

So as I let go,

please know

it's not forever.

And as I step away,

please know

it's with love.

It's my turn now

to be a mother.

It's my turn now

to end the curse.

The curse may not

have ended with you.

That is okay.

I forgive you.

You made me strong

and left it to me.

So please hear me.

I am doing this

for my girls.

I am doing this

for you.

I am doing this

for the mother I knew.

I am doing this

to end abuse.

I am doing this

to cut it loose.

I am cutting

the ties

that held us down.

The cycle will end with me.

If it's the last thing I do.