I Asked, “Who Am I?”And She Replied, “Who Do You Want to Be?”

For Mother’s Day — a reckoning between fear, memory, and the mother within me.

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Higher Self

You can be anything. You can be anyone. You get to decide.

You are stuck in the masculine mind. Stuck in logic.

You think you are trapped in this box you were given, but it’s wide open.

Who do you want to be?

What do you want to do?

The options are endless. There is always a way.

Just open your heart, and you will see it was already there.

Why do you resist so much? What are you so afraid of?

What do you have to lose? Is your life really worth clinging to?

Do you feel happy? Do you love it?

I think not.

I think there is more to life, and you will see it, but you have to let go.

Let go.

Know that there is no finish line. There is not a right way.

There is no destination. Stop looking for a map.

Start exploring. You will see. You will find.

Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be opened.

You do not need to be trapped anymore.

You can flow as the river does, free without thought.

She is not held back. She is not restrained.

You will be fine.

Stop your worry.

Does God not provide? Do the flowers worry? Do the birds?

Fly, and let the wind catch you.

Dance and let go.

Be free from the burden that restrains you.

You don’t need to know. You don’t need to follow.

Create your own way. Find a new path.

Surely there is one more beautiful than the one most followed.

Don’t walk mindlessly down the dirt road of sheep.

Run to the woods, through the meadows where the deer graze and the flowers bloom.

Find a stream. See the fish play.

Find your own way. Explore what there is to offer.

It’s infinite.

Don’t get trapped in the mundane, the order.

Let your mind run free.

Let it flow and see where it brings you.

Connect with the Earth.

Feel her in your heart.

You were never made to live this way. You were never made to be rigid.

You were made to be free.

So fly.

Fly and see what there is to see.

Let go.

Stop worrying. Allow yourself to fall and to be held.

You will find peace, I promise you, but in order to do so, you must let go.

Let go of the logical mind.

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Fear 

I am afraid. I am afraid of the unknown.

I am afraid.

What if I fall?

What if I fail?

What if I make a mistake?

What will I do then?

I am afraid to make a mistake. I wanted to be perfect.

I wanted to be good enough.

I was never good enough.

If I try hard, maybe one day I will be.

Maybe then he will love me.

I am afraid to fly.

The wind will fail. It doesn’t blow for me.

Who will catch me? Who will be there?

I can’t risk it. It’s too scary.

I’ll just stay here like I have been already.

No one will catch me. No one cares.

What if I try?

What if I run free?

What if I seek who I want to be?

What if I jump, and what if I fall?

What if my hope can’t catch me?

What if I fall on my face?

What if no one is there to hold me?

What if no one will soothe me, and I cry to myself once again?

No one will rescue me. They will be long gone.

I would have too much hope if I truly believed—believed I could do anything.

I would run full pace. I would run without leaving a trace.

I would run to my dream. I would leap into its arms, just to find another dark place.

Just to be all alone. Just to be made the fool.

The fool who can’t succeed. The fool who isn’t worthy. Not worthy of love.

No one will be there. No one will care.

I would just be alone once again.

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Higher Self

But what if you’re not? What if that is not true?

What if you were never alone? Through all of that, you’ve been through.

Maybe you always had a friend.

Maybe there was always someone watching over you.

Maybe you always filled someone’s heart.

Maybe you meant more than you know.

Maybe they were too busy to tell you, afraid you’d know.

You’d see their vulnerability, and that would be too hard.

Maybe he had to play tough. He couldn’t let you see, so you couldn’t see how much you actually meant to him.

Maybe he couldn’t see how much he meant to you.

Maybe he didn’t see your pain. He didn’t know what you went through. He didn’t know the break your heart felt.

Maybe he was too busy.

Maybe his brain kept him spinning.

Maybe he couldn’t see what you needed.

Maybe he would have been there if he could.

Maybe you weren’t as lonely as you believe.

Maybe you did have a real family. Maybe they did actually care.

Maybe they cared a lot, but you couldn’t see.

There is so much pain.

I know it’s hard to believe… but just maybe they actually love Natalie.

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Fear 

There is no way. It can’t be true.

That can’t be true.

If only I knew, I wouldn’t have this pain.

If only they knew, they could stop the ache.

There is no way that can be true.

If it was, what would I do?

What do I do with that?

It hurts so much. There is no way I could ever go back.

If I go back, they will hurt me. I know they will.

I can’t bear to feel. It’s much too scary.

I’ll just stay here, trapped, like I told her already.

I told that little girl inside of me to be still and be quiet.

Her daddy is gone. It’s much too late.

I won’t allow her to continue to get hurt.

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Higher Self

Maybe that is why she is so afraid.

Maybe that is why she can’t let anyone in.

You closed the door and locked her in.

You have shut down completely. That is why your heart won’t feel.

That is why you won’t let anyone near.

Not your husband, not your girls.

No one feels safe enough to be let in.

It’s way too scary.

She went through hell. I know you’re just trying to protect her.

But maybe, if you can’t let anyone in, then maybe you can see all of the love you have for her.

You love her. You always have.

See, you didn’t lock her up out of shame.

You were just trying to keep her safe. There is no shame you are hiding from. There is no filth you need to bury.

It was for love. It was always about love.

You love her so much. You love her either way, with your whole heart.

You couldn’t stand to see her cry.

You couldn’t bear to watch her break.

You hid her away for her own sake.

That mother in you—it was always there.

You held her and protected her. You kept her safe.

You truly cared.

See, she was never alone, she always had you.

She still has you.

You don’t have to keep her locked away anymore.

You’ll be by her side. You will keep her safe. She won’t die.

She needs to be free. She needs to explore.

Hold her hand and show her the way.

Show her beauty, not pain.

You are a good mother, I promise you.

You were just shut down and afraid, so please forgive.

Forgive yourself for not being able to live.

Forgive yourself for not being there.

Forgive yourself for not being fair.

Forgive yourself for the times you were a complete bear.

Realize that wasn’t you. You were just living in fear.

But you don’t have to anymore. It’s okay. You are safe now, and so is she.

Hold her hand and show her the way.

It’s okay to play.