The Girl I Created

I was full of anxiety.

I was the girl who wanted to be "cool."

Who wanted to be popular.

Who wanted to be seen and loved.

I used to believe that I would be able to receive that

if I was good enough.

If I was pretty.

If I was popular.

If I was wealthy.

I thought your worth was measured by how many friends you had in school.

How many people would come to your party.

I used to look up to Regina George and Sharpay Evans.

I wanted to be a Playboy Bunny.

As I look back, I think...

Why???

Regina and Sharpay were alone.

They didn't have real friends.

They were full of anxiety.

Why would I want to be them?

Why would I ever want to be a Playboy Bunny?

I used to pretend to be a dumb blonde rich girl.

I thought it would get me what I wanted.

I wanted boys to see me.

I wanted someone to love me.

I wanted someone to be obsessed with me and think I was really something...

But what I found was the opposite.

They don't love YOU.

The people chasing them are doing it for shallow reasons...

Their boobs.

Their bodies.

Their money.

Their advantages.

They wanted them for what they gave them.

Not for who they are.

Ironically, I am a romantic and deeply emotional.

I wanted something deeper than the "norm."

I want to be fully bonded to someone.

I want them to see me, all of me, and love me fiercely.

I used to literally set myself up for complete failure.

I used to believe that the real me wasn't good enough.

That someone would never love her.

So I played a role.

I clung to that role with everything I had.

I could be wild.

I could be daring.

I could be sexy.

I could be flirtatious.

I could be fancy.

I could be well-off.

I could be cool.

I could be popular.

I thought if I were these things, then people would love me.

But they wouldn't love ME.

They would love someone else.

Someone who doesn't even exist.

They would love the version of me I created.

But pretending to be someone is so exhausting.

It is so painful.

It is so lonely.

So I am letting her go.

The part of me that was never really me.

The part of me that I created to survive.

I don't let her go out of shame.

I don't let her go out of disgust.

I let her go in love.

I see her.

All of her.

I see the pain in her eyes.

I see the desperation in her smile.

I see the confusion in her heart and the rejection in her stomach.

I see her.

I hold her.

I give her a huge hug.

And I set her free.

I give her back to the water.

I allow the water to cleanse her.

I give her back to the earth.

I allow the earth to hold her.

I give her back to the air.

I allow the air to set her free.

I give her back to the fire.

I allow her to be reborn.

She is beautiful.

She is free.

She is not me.

Now there is room to allow me to grow.

Now there is room for the real me.

She is still forming, and that is okay.

But she will fully emerge one day.

She was once just a seed.

One without water.

She didn't even have soil to grow.

But see her now...

She is sprouting.

She is beginning to grow.

She is beautiful.

She is strong.

She is me.