Why Should I Feel Anyway?

Numbing the pain also numbs the joy.

“Why should I feel anyway?”

I’ve thought this many times.

For much of my life, feeling was too heavy. Too intense.

The sadness.

The guilt.

The fear.

The anger.

It all felt like too much.

So instead, I cut my emotions off altogether. If I buried them deeply enough and pretended they didn’t exist, maybe they would just disappear.

I did this chronically for years.

I became a professional at sweeping things under the rug.

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Often, you can talk to someone who has experienced trauma and they will tell you horrific things with eerie calmness. They speak about painful experiences with a straight face, almost detached from what they’re saying.

That’s because they’ve learned how to disconnect from it.

It’s a survival mechanism.

If we can’t feel it, then maybe it isn’t real. Maybe it feels more like a dream… or someone else’s life entirely.

Suddenly the pain quiets down enough for us to keep moving forward.

Our nervous system is always trying to protect us, and disconnecting from overwhelming emotions can be incredibly effective.

At first.

But eventually, what protects us begins to disconnect us from life itself.

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What I’ve learned is this:

When we numb the painful emotions, we eventually numb all emotions.

You may stop feeling intense sadness and fear, but you also stop fully feeling joy, love, excitement, connection, and peace.

Our bodies don’t really know how to selectively numb.

We are either connected and feeling… or disconnected and detached.

And when disconnection becomes chronic, eventually you may find yourself completely disconnected from life itself.

That’s what happened to me.

And that’s why I want to share this.

I want people who relate to this to recognize it. I want them to know there is hope, healing, and another way to live.

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Like I said, I became very good at sweeping things under the rug.

So good that eventually I couldn’t even recognize stress anymore—it just felt “normal.”

I was one of those people who could sit in therapy and casually talk about trauma, even sexual abuse, like I was discussing yesterday’s weather forecast.

Calm. Collected. Matter-of-fact.

Often, I felt nothing at all.

It was like I was talking about a movie I watched instead of my own life.

Honestly, there were times I felt more emotional watching a fictional TV show than talking about my own experiences.

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I became so disconnected from my emotions that after being assaulted again later in life, I remember telling someone about it and realizing I felt… nothing.

No sadness.

No fear.

No anger.

Nothing.

I was so numb that I found myself acting out emotions because I thought if I didn’t react emotionally enough, people wouldn’t believe me.

I remember thinking about shows like Law & Order SVU and trying to mimic how victims acted on TV.

Looking back now, that realization breaks my heart.

And unfortunately, that wasn’t the only time I had to “perform” emotions instead of genuinely feeling them.

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I experienced major trauma early in life, so I adapted this coping mechanism young.

It became my normal.

So normal that I didn’t even realize I was doing it.

I remember sitting in therapy, talking about painful things, and genuinely thinking:

“It’s no big deal.”

I would shrug it off like it was a paper cut instead of a wound.

And then I would just keep moving.

Always moving.

Always running.

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In my younger years, I became “the fun girl.”

The wild one.

The one saying, “Hold my drink and watch this.”

If emotions ever started rising to the surface, I pushed them back down with alcohol, distractions, chaos, and noise.

I spent years partying, socializing, shopping, eating, planning, scrolling—anything to keep my mind occupied.

Because when we are running from our feelings, we rarely slow down.

We will always find something to distract ourselves with.

And nowadays, distraction is endless.

All it takes is moving your thumb across a screen.

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After having children and leaving the party phase behind, my numbing simply changed forms.

Instead of drinking and partying, I obsessed over productivity and constant stimulation.

I was always making mental “to-do” lists.

Researching parenting techniques.

Scrolling social media.

Planning family vacations.

Thinking about what came next.

My mind never stopped running.

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After decades of living this way, I became more numb, more distracted, and more disconnected.

And eventually, I started noticing something else:

I was miserable.

Empty.

I couldn’t fully feel joy anymore.

Everything became mechanical and robotic.

I would accomplish goals, hit milestones, buy things I once dreamed about… and immediately move on to the next thing without ever truly feeling fulfilled.

While on family vacations, instead of enjoying the moment, I was already planning the next trip.

After buying our dream home, my mind immediately jumped to what would come after that.

Nothing ever felt like enough.

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I started noticing how disconnected I had become from the people I loved most.

My children would try to play with me, and I would zone out thinking about everything I needed to get done.

They would excitedly show me something, and I’d say, “That’s nice,” without even really looking.

Not because I didn’t love them—but because my mind was constantly elsewhere.

Quality time with my husband slowly became sitting on the couch together while both scrolling on our phones.

And honestly… I think this is becoming painfully common in our world.

We are so distracted.

So disconnected.

So overstimulated.

We lose touch with what it actually means to be human.

I know I did.

And underneath all the distractions, I felt lonely, overwhelmed, empty, and exhausted.

Because “doing” is often easier than feeling.

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The quick dopamine hits feel good for a moment, but they are artificial forms of relief.

As soon as they fade, the emptiness returns.

That’s why we constantly need more.

More scrolling.

More shopping.

More noise.

More distraction.

But real joy feels different.

Real joy fills your heart.

It touches your soul.

A genuine moment of connection, peace, or love can stay with you for days.

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When your heart is truly open and you allow yourself to slow down and be fully present, you begin experiencing life differently.

You begin experiencing real joy.

But to get there, you have to stop numbing yourself long enough to feel again.

You have to slow down.

Take a breath.

Go for a walk.

Spend time in nature.

Meditate.

Sit in silence.

Allow yourself to just be.

And for many of us, that feels terrifying at first.

Because maybe your body still doesn’t feel safe enough to slow down.

Maybe it’s still stuck in survival mode.

I understand that deeply.

I had to slowly teach my body that I was safe.

I had to learn how to come out of fight-or-flight mode and reconnect with myself again.

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And as I’ve slowly come out of survival mode and started allowing myself to feel again, something beautiful has happened.

I’ve started feeling love again.

Joy again.

Presence again.

I can feel what feels safe and unsafe.

I can feel when I need rest, boundaries, space, or connection.

For the first time, I feel like I’m taking back control of my body… and my life.

When I was stuck in survival mode, I didn’t feel like I was truly living.

But now…

I’m beginning to live.

And life has become so much more beautiful.